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You might be a mallmetaller if...
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Metalfilm1



Joined: 15 Aug 1999
Posts: 3559
Location: Yonkers, NY 10710

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 8:58 am    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

Just thought you might appreciate a bit of a laugh...
What to do when encountering Korn Fans.
1. Quietly nod your head as they speak their vile Korn crap.
2. Speak your own opinion in intelligent words, never use the word "sucks"
in a sentence, this will set off the Korn fan, as he or she will understand
that word.
3. Smile and nod some more as they spew out more filth.
4. Walk away, then wash yourself... twice.

Mall Metal (or "Nu-Metal" if you're lame)
I hate Mall Metal. What is mall metal, you ask? I figure I could best explain this the way that Wal-Mart Shopper icon Jeff Foxworthy explains to laymen the essence of Redneck. So, with no further ado, here goes:

You might be a Mall Metal fan if:
-Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans.
-"Suck" and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
-You think ICP is funny.
-You think Korn is a metal band.
-When you write or type words, you do it LiKe tHiS because you think it looks
ReAlLy KeWeL.
-You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
-You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G Warrior you
just get a confused look on your face.
-You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being
hardcore.
-You make fun of 80s glam rock, but have no problems with the hair or dress of Wayne Static and Coal Chamber.
-You look ugly on purpose.
-You call people fags.
-You think that Slipknot is the heaviest band out there.
-You assume that if someone doesn't like Deftones, they must listen to "pussy
stuff like Hanson".
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
-You claim to like heavy metal, yet think that My Dying Bride must be one of
those old low-budget flicks from the 60s.
-You own a Dr Suess hat.
-You're really into "hardcore" but CBGB's doesn't ring a bell.
-You bash Mushroomhead for "stealing" Slipknot's look (or vice versa) even though BOTH bands clearly stole their look from Mr. Bungle...or Devo.
-You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
-You associate "industrial" with NIN and Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and
Foetus.
-You have a tribal tatto.
-You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
-You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
-You say things like "Korn rules and always will! If you don't like them, you
suck!" (with more grammatical and spelling errors, of course)
-You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music".
-You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
-Your music collection consists of less than 100 CDs/cassettes/whatever, yet
most or all of these names appear: Korn, Deftones, Limp Bizkit, Fear
Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly,
Pantera, Sevendust, and Static-X.
-You like some rap music.
-You can say "rap sucks" but openly profess love for Limp Bizkit and POD, and with a straight face, no less.
-You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida speed metal
band by the same name that was much cooler.
-You still live with your parents.
-You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in
January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not
seem to deter you.
-You know who Fred Durst is.
-You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves
want to be disassociated with the genre.
-You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one
anarchy symbol, one alien, and one of the bands listed on this page.
-You think death metal is Satanic.
-You consider Limp Bizkit "sellouts" (as if they were ever underground!).
-You think that by dressing and looking and talking like every other Mall
Metal simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your
uniqueness.
-You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
-You think the last Slayer disc is their best ever!
-You think that Metallica sucks, but don't feel betrayed by them.
-You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers - Reload rocks!!
-You consider the black album "old Metallica".
-You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
-Best Buy meets all of your music needs.
-You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure"
bands as SOAD, Snot, Ultraspank, and Kilgore at Ozzfest 98.
-You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed and Vision Of Disorder.
-You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers Ball" - sitting through 2
hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Aerosmith to
see a Kreator video.
-You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
-You actually like Godsmack. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live.
Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.
-You say you hate the government yet can't name more than 5 people who
actually work in the government. And one of those people is your aunt Irene
that works at the DMV.
-You don't find this amusing in the slightest.
-When someone says "hardcore" you think of Drain STH instead of Agnostic
Front.
-You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.

Absolute brilliance! Thank you whoever directed me to the Anti Korn Society
of America, or whatever they are called!
If you don't like this, then it probably applies to you.
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Coda



Joined: 02 Dec 1998
Posts: 444
Location: Dark Side of the Moon

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 9:43 am    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

That was hilarious....and true [img]http://axl.hardradio.com/ubb/smile.gif[/img] Where'd U find it? Or did ya make it up? [img]http://axl.hardradio.com/ubb/smile.gif[/img]
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DeathtofalseMetal



Joined: 18 Nov 1998
Posts: 1529
Location: Portland, OR

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 10:15 am    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

KLASSIK!!
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HeatherMetal



Joined: 26 Jul 1999
Posts: 1586
Location: Nashvegas, TN USA

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 10:16 am    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

LOL - loved the one about the NaVel PEirCiNG
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Bullgod10304



Joined: 26 Dec 1999
Posts: 1043
Location: North burbs of Chicago, IL

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 12:50 pm    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

MMmmm...I feel like a moron. I scored on about half that stuff. But, I wear my hat forwards, Wayne Static and Coal Chamber have sh*tty hair styles. SlipKnot sucks. I dOn'T WrIte lIKe thIs. Deftones? Never like them. Goth=Night-Breed. DUH!!! In no way will I ever even touch a pair of pants with a leg size as big as my waist. No tattoos. I really don't give a flying **** if I meet Jon Davis or Fred Durst. I wanna be a cop. I only have a couple Fear This stickers on my truck. Fear Factory.....not worth mentioning or buying........
Maybe I should have left this on the heavy venting page. Guess I didn't score as bad on it as I think I did. But still, maybe I should be bitch slapped. Hey, I'm my own person.
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Bullgod10304



Joined: 26 Dec 1999
Posts: 1043
Location: North burbs of Chicago, IL

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 1:18 pm    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

Now that I have lowered myself...I'd better add on to the list"

You can tell if a mallmetaller has been outside in the rain because their their x-tra baggy pants have soaked up water halfway to their knees.

You always look strung out because of your small size and baggy clothes.

You braid your long hair.

You are unemployed, or work at K-Mart, or Sam Goody, and are consistently late to work because your mom can't get home in time to get you there.

Only one of your friends has a car.

That car is an '84 Buick with a Chevy 350 running on 7 cylinders with an exhaust leak. It is a rusty green color, the inside is black and smells of pot, with at least one puke stain on the floor in the back seat. Which has a large tear. The front windshield is cracked. And no spare tire.

Iced Earth sounds like a cool Playstation game to you.
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Night-Breed



Joined: 18 Sep 1999
Posts: 1417

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 3:31 pm    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

Thanks BG, I was thinking it was just me who actually scored a few points on that list. I've got the tribal tatoos, unnatural hair color, I've been heard to call someone a Fag before, and I like Godsmack, to the point of buying thier CD. Bring on the pelting stones.

But, a mall metal geek, nope. Stuck in the 80s, yup, a goth-rocker, yup, (love skinny puppy, sisters of mercy...) long haired tattooed freak, most definitly.
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Metalfilm1



Joined: 15 Aug 1999
Posts: 3559
Location: Yonkers, NY 10710

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 5:15 pm    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

Bullgod, I think the fact that you qualified for half of those confirms all my initial feelings about ya...a man with integrity. wrestling with his inner mallmetaller. Heh heh
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Deviation



Joined: 04 Mar 2000
Posts: 146
Location: Phx, AZ

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2000 6:05 pm    Post subject: You might be a mallmetaller if... Reply with quote

I scored on a couple of those also unfotunately. But I also probably scored on a couple of Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck tests.

Very humorous though. I can just see a mall rat trying to read through all of it with a befuddled look on his face thinking "Thiz suckz! Korn rulez!" I'm sure he spells it that way in his head.
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